Suddenly I See

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me

- KT Tunstall, Suddenly I See

You pick a race, plan a training weekend, map out your schedule, your work, your nutrition, your clothes. Each day you pack your bag and dress accordingly to maximize your ability to go from workout to work to workout to dinner, to the store, to do errands, to meet a friend, to fall asleep. Money flows out on magazines and shoes; socks, shorts, bras, and visors; hydration packs and handhelds; bars and blocks and a thousand Gu's. You walk gingerly into baby showers and birthday parties, fresh off a 25 mile run in the Headlands. You go to sleep every day with at least 2 options for getting your run in the next day.

You thank the stars that you continue to be injury free but when you do fall prey, you feel under-trained within 48 hours, obese within 72, nearly dead within a week. Running, training, time with friends on the trails, post-run naps on the beach, the sun on your face, the sweat down your back, the dirt around your ankles, the toenail waiting to fall off; plans for Western States and Dick Collins and North Face all on hold. The absence becomes magnified and you struggle to stay positive. You cry.

But then you're back, after a miserable couple of months - slooowly. And it all returns - the waves of exhilaration, of fatigue, of soreness. Like that your time is focused anew on the next adventure: how to get there, who to take, what to wear. You're back in the kitchen making all your meals for a week, thinking about strength training and weight loss and how quickly you can ramp back up to speed work. You make plans with friends again - to run and whatever involves food and socializing after that. You're back to having no free time, juggling your schedule for upcoming events, maneuvering work commitments around running plans. You're harried. Life is better.

I am lost without running. And my life is far more frenetic with it. But I love it like nothing else (except skiing - another story for another day). It represents everything I want and everything I want to be. I love you, running.

(running in Durango, CO)